Also, due to the annual high count of cars turning upside down during the weeklong events, (I believe this year it was around 65) I think it would make the show even more interesting if Emmett would set up bullseye targets around the outside, and just inside of the corner, and inside of the straightaways with different dollar amounts on each one.
If a driver hits one of these targets in a flip and sets the skyrockets off, one lucky number program fan will win that amount. If two cars hit it at the same time, the amount will double, etc. Of course, the targets in the outside of each corner will pay less, due to the ease of hitting them more often, but one lucky fan could win up to $100,000 dollars and two free Chili Bowl hats if the one directly in the center of the infield is hit.
Emmett will have insurance for this, so it will not cost him anything.
Also, I am proposing that if the COVID virus is still around come next January, for fan and driver safety, we run the event without drivers or pit people. In order to hold this groundbreaking event, I have contacted Elon Musk and we have begun structuring a new series of midgets being designed and built by Keith Kunz that are made like the autonomous, driverless cars being tested today on the streets of the United States.
With these autonomous race cars, called the “KO-Muskrat Midgets” Emmett will not have to worry about the safety of the drivers or fans and his insurance will drop to no more than a few hundred bucks for the week. There will be no injuries, since there will be no one to injure.
The cars will be operated by remote control from the Top Row Rowdies section by the famous Minnesota Mafia and longtime innovator Johnny Murdock.
Parimutuel betting will be allowed, just like they had in the back barns at the old Knoxville Nationals years ago, with huge payoffs available to the car owners. The 300-plus drivers that ran this year will be represented by cardboard cutouts and be eligible for the richest payoff in midget history.
Although a few bugs may still have to be worked out, Elonski and I are in contact every day.
With the latest invasion of some of the NASCAR drivers trying to finally make it to the top of their careers by racing at the Chili Bowl, for their safety and learning curve I am suggesting that — if they have no prior open-wheel experience — they must run in their own special heat races.
In order to appreciate what open-wheel drivers of old had to do to learn to drive these race cars, I will, along with my partner the Musker, provide cars like I started racing in so they can get the feel of a real race car.
All of their rides will be of the Kurtis Kraft design, with a leaf spring front suspension and either parallel or cross torsion bars on the rear. There will be none of those sissy side panels protecting the drivers from getting their dainty arms bruised by rocks and dirt.
Any type of seat that has a right-side arm to hold the driver up higher than the lowest rib will be banned. No power steering will be allowed and only open-face helmets with red or blue bandanas can be worn.
Roll cages will be optional, but if you prefer to run a roll bar you will automatically start on the pole. Sam Brown belts will be recommended but, again, not mandatory and Ascots and ribs will be the tires of choice.
If any experienced open-wheel drivers want to run in these heats, they must also run under these rules but start in the back and be allowed to pelt the others with dirt off their Ascot tires to simulate what dirt racing was all about back in the day.
Finally, if at the end of the week any driver has still never heard of Bob Tattersall, Jim Hurtubise, or Jimmy Bryan, they will be escorted from the building. They will be allowed to come back the following year when they turn in a written report to Emmett or myself on these drivers.
One last rule change for next year‘s A-Main will be that the entire field will be inverted, with the fastest cars starting in the back.
In the event of Kyle Larson and Christopher Bell starting anywhere other than the last row, they will be handicapped by running the race with one arm tied behind their backs with bungee straps, and they will have to run rear end gears with ratios meant for the mile tracks. Although these may be hard obstacles to overcome, I believe it will make for a better show for the fans and TV.
So, another year is in the books and we‘ve proven that nothing can keep the Chili Bowl down. Add in my suggestions and it should be an even bigger event next year.
I should be back in action if the proboscis monkey vertebrae I had installed over the originals mend together properly, allowing me to hold my open-faced helmeted head up for another 55 laps. If not, Elonster and I might want to continue development of riderless motorcycle racing, which is almost ready to go.
I sure hope all is healed soon, though, as Evansville just passed an ordinance of a maximum of 15 feet for antenna heights due to the Chili Bowl week broadcasts — too many people erecting unsightly antennas around the city, I guess.
Unfortunately for me, my ladder only goes to 12 feet and I am not sure if another three would be more dangerous or not.
Oh well, you‘ve got to take a chance once in a while, right? – KO
